matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
