I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
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