I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
