I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
