you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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