Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My breasts were aching with rage.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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