Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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