You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
