I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
