What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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