I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
