It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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