I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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