a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
don't judge my taste in strippers
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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