just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
