I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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