and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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