2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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