I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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