Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
