as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
