you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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