I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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