I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
