If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
