You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
