tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
