I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
