and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
