a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
