The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
