Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
