every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize