dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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