come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
