My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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