i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
