im drinking this country out of the recession.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
