Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
