Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
