Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You left your phone here
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