Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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