Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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