I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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