whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
