can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
