worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
