...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
