happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
