I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
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