haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
