I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
