I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
