Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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