why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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