I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
