I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
