Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
