First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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