allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize