If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize