Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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