i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
People in love make me want to vomit
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Randomize
