How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
