I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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